Having a hard time today and I’m trying to focus on the things I am grateful for. I don’t talk about it because people act bizarre and immediately go to Serial Killer, College Mass Murderer, and whatever other terrifying image that comes to mind when any thought about mental illness gets lumped together. It is very hard having Clinical Depression sometimes because it’s not treated like any other illness. What is bad is not the mental illness what is bad is when it is NOT BEING TREATED. I just feel sad that the world makes things so difficult for me to have a normal life, when I tell people sleep deprivation is bad for me but yet my neighbors upstairs make noise that wakes me up out of my sleep at any and every hour. I do appreciate that I have a bed to sleep in, a heater to keep me warm, friends to talk to from now and again. It’s just hard when you say what you need and people don’t listen to you. I don’t understand how to deal with a world that is so hateful and vengeful of people trying to do good things everyday because it is not just a choice but a need, I need to do positive things. The people like some of my former bosses who push people until they snap and they don’t want to hear when they are hurting you and think it’s okay to bully everyone because bullies don’t get punished. So I guess another thing I am thankful for is that God has made me a good person who does her best not to hurt other people but I do my best to help people. But this doesn’t mean that I don’t need help too sometimes, and just because I don’t want to focus my attention on every bad thing that happens in my life does not mean that I have no problems but I think because I try my best to focus on the positive most people around me make the assumption that I don’t have problems, that I don’t hurt, that it’s okay to do horrible things to me because I don’t react back the way they treat me. It is hard to work so hard at being forgiving but I would rather not turn into the monster everyone thinks I am or that they have become or become the person that they have tried to provoke me to be by pushing me to the point of snapping to prove something is wrong with me. Well guess what, no one is perfect, yes I have problems and yes I hurt but it does not mean I have to do something wrong because someone wrongs me. I am thankful that I know that. Knowing this though doesn’t make it any easier to deal with people who are so driven by their fears, hatred, mistrust, or whatever else that makes them scared that they don’t see acting out against me or other people in a hurtful or bullying way does not make them better, that hurting people is not the way to make yourself feel better.
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I am grateful for my creativity and I am grateful for my diversity and I am grateful for God, and I am grateful for God carrying me through times that are too hard for me to bear on my own, I am grateful for peace and quiet, I am grateful for the wind, I am grateful for when I can trust someone enough to hold me/hug me or reassure me in someway because it’s not easy for people to get past my wall that was built up from too many bad experiences. I am grateful for color and beauty and kindness and smiles and beads, beautiful beads made of glass and stone, I am grateful that I can feel the positive energy I feel from the cold stones that I love to use to create necklaces, I am grateful for any positive feelings that I can feel and feel safe with, I just wish I knew where I fit. I wish I knew where in the world that I can find enough positive people that life won’t hurt as much, I just wish that I can make a life for myself, take care of myself, have positive people in my life, have my peace and quiet and be comfortable in life, I don’t want to make money from things that hurt people and I just wish I could find a way to make a living in life that doesn’t hurt people but also provides for me and allows me to help the people around me.
I am grateful for words, I am grateful for laughter, I am grateful for moments of happiness.